Isn't that picture sooooo sad? I love my Gracie, but as I look out my window at the first snowfall, in my heart and head I am crying or screaming at the top of my lungs. Not sure which, exactly. Outwardly, I coo: "little girl, I'm so sorry- I wish you would be happy. I'm not sure what else to do for you..." then I try to rock her, tickle her, find some new toys... and glance at the clock frequently waiting for her afternoon nap time.Usually I love the first snowfall. But now I feel STUCK. Stuck, because how is my precious little baby going to survive living indoors this WHOLE winter with mommy? And how is mommy going to survive? Grace won't play in her exersaucer, bouncer, swing, bumbo chair, or on her aquariam toy gym more than a few minutes. She doesn't like to play with the socks, and spatulas, and paper, or dolls, or musical toys I place in front of her curious self longer than a couple minutes, and she doesn't like to be put down on the ground even though she knows how to roll around. (I do it anyway though, because it's good for her muscle development). If I carry her in the bjorn to try to get things done, she gets bored and fussy with me doing dishes, chopping vegetables, and switching and folding laundry, etc.
I promise, I do make a point to play with her quite a bit throughout the day. I know babies need attention, and I try to give her lots of that. Afterall, raising my child and being there for her is probably more important than the dishes sometimes, even though I despise things out of place in my house. But unless new people come over to help entertain her, or I am at the store constantly moving to show her new things, my baby gets fussy and constantly cries WITHIN ten minutes. Sometimes I let her cry, because a) I just really need to get some things done, and b) I wonder if she will stop finally and be interested in something. But what usually happens, is she gets louder and louder, until she's hoarse, and I feel like a horrible mommy everytime she makes a sound the rest of the day as I hear how awful her voice sounds. Not to mention the crying makes me feel shaky and on edge. People may mean the best, but if one more person says she can sense my agitation and claims that's what makes her agitated, I will probably puke. I really do not believe that is the problem. She's just smart, and curious, and has a short attention span. And I do not want to take anti-depressants, even though a good friend suggested it. That makes me feel like a failure- and that somehow there should be something else I could be doing. It is a horrible feeling to wake up in the morning with a groan, knowing I have another long day ahead of me trying to entertain her, and get some housework done. The days creep by so slowly, even if the months go by quickly.
What CAN I do? I am seriously considering walking around with cottonballs in my ears all day. Grace is my precious little girl, and I so badly want her to be happy and content. She has always had quite the pair of lungs since she was born, and I know the acid reflux had a lot to do with her infant days. But now what???
9 comments:
I love reading your blog. It follows some of the same joys and sorrows I had when I had my first little girl, Kylie. Being a stay-at-home mom is just hard. There is no medication or magic fix for that. It's just really hard. In all truth, sometimes I wonder how my mother didn't adopt me out as a baby! Kids are lucky to survive, and mothers are lucky if they can keep their sanity and composure while enduring child rearing. My newest, Chloe, is five months as won't play in anything. We have a bouncer, swing, bumbo, walker..everything. She just wants to be held and played with all day. Needless to say, there is no way that I can chase around my three year old, hold and play with the baby and keep everything clean. Do your best, that's all that can be done. Leave the rest for someone else to worry about. I'm sure that you are a great mom. That cute little girl of your will survive, even if she has to scream her way through it! Hang in there! It does get better!
My baby doesn't scream and I feel the exact same way you do. I have been wondering if it takes YEARS to become used to being a mom. Maybe I'll get it by the 3rd baby? I've been in a funk lately and as soon as he falls asleep for his nap, my mom is watching him and I'm going out all alone for some me time. I am so excited! I think it will help with recharging my batteries or something.
I think also knowing that you're not alone, that you're not unusual, and that you're just doing what all mom's do helps a lot. What I've had to tell myself is that he will learn everything in his own time, regardless of what I try to get him to do. Telling myself this I think will help with my sanity.
We've been sick this week, but we'd love to come and visit (since we have to stay indoors now!) next week. (If we come, you don't need to clean for us. Promise... I won't care!) :)
Hey Rachel! I have heard the same thing about babies feeling that one is agitated, etc, etc... I don't have any babies of my own but I remember my mom told me that my sister used to be really demanding and the pediatrician suggested my mom to change my sister's routine. Kind of like rebooting your computer. For example, instead of bathing her at night, do it in the morning and things like that.
I don't know if that will work for Gracie but maybe it's worth trying. I am so glad you have so many mommies that have gone through the same. Hope everything works out and Gracie grows out of her screaming phase ;) Love, love!
Oh, Rach, I'm so sorry things are still so difficult with Grace. I wish there was something I could do or advice I could give. All I know is that from the sound of things, you are doing a GREAT job and that you are not a failure in anyway.
wow I felt like you were talking about my life. I know the feeling of waking up in the morning and knowing you have a whole day of entertaining ahead of you. My Brecklyn is the same way... she can only be entertained for a few minutes and then needs something new. I'm burned out! So if you find a new solution let me know.
Rach - just so you know, I love you! I'm sorry Grace is so hard! I hope things calm down a bit. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I just had a couple thoughts... I don't know if any will help though, but it's worth a try. As far as cleaning the house goes, Catlin Gedge posted on her blog several months ago about how she felt like she had to clean the whole house everyday. Finally she made some sort of schedule. I've started doing the same thing because I like to have my place in order, but mostly because I know I won't have much time AND I will have a more to clean when the baby comes. For example - I do the kitchen on Tues., bathrooms on Wed., Laundry on Thurs., etc. I also try to be flexible with myself and change things around, skip things if they don't need to be done or double up if I missed something. Does that make sense? The other thought I had was to have me (and maybe Nate) come babysit one time soon while you two go to the Temple. I am also willing to come over sometime and play with Grace while you clean or run errands or go out or whatever...
Lastly, I've tried to watch the mothers I know (esp. from the 61st Ward) and take note of ideas that they share that might help me when I'm a mom. One thing that I know I need to be good at doing consistently is taking time for scriptures. One mom would read the conference talks while she was feeding her baby. I actually buy the DVD's ($7) and watch one every morning. When I get the next edition I can share with you and/or I'll get you some for an early Christmas gift if you'll use them. It totally makes a difference in my day! Maybe you do that already, but I just know reading the scriptures and/or conference talks every day has helped me through SOOOOOO many hard times in my life. It ALWAYS makes things better (maybe not always perfect or fixed, but definitely better). You seem like a great mom to me and I know you can do this because the Lord won't give us any trials that we can't handle. So you must be pretty tough - hang in there!
I don't remember if I already told you about this or not, but it has helped me so much! The book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" is so great - it explains so much about a baby's schedule, sleep time, awake time, etc. but it doesn't say that every child has to be dealt with the same way. He just gives suggestions and tells you what has worked for others. It is not a book just for questions about sleeping, it helps with everything! I know you've probably had your fill of books and advice, but if you are up for giving one more a shot I highly recommend it!
Looks like you better let her come over here and play with me for a while :) I would love some time with a cute little girl, and I'm sure steven would love playing with a little baby too! Good luck!
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